TJ Mauldin: The Sober Drunk

From the look on his face I knew he must have seen the heaviness in my eyes. I hated this moment and loved it with everything in me. See, my friend Mike is in prison and today was the first day I got to visit. We laughed, got choked up a little and glorified God in the midst of his bondage. He killed a few people several years ago in a drunk driving accident and was sentenced to 5 years this past December. I want to write this in hopes that you see a deep element of our Sovereign Gods grace and the forgiveness that flows only from Him. This journey of forgiveness for me starts Thursday, January 16th 2003. I was sitting in class and the morning felt off, as if discernment lead me to believe that this day would be different. I was reading Jeremiah that day and had laid my head down on my bible. The call came over the intercom, “ Mrs. Smith, could you send Tj to the office?” I still remember the way Mrs. Garcia’s voice sounded, it was the sound of a voice holding back tears. I arrived at the office and Holly met me there with a concerned look on her face. Our stepsister Christy was there waiting for us and not knowing that we were clueless said, “I am sorry about Tim”… The next five minutes played out like a movie with her being the one that had to break the news that my best friend, who was my uncle, and more like a dad had died. I remember Holly crying and I held her all the way home in the back seat of Christy’s car. I was angry. I remember seeing my grandmother slumped over in grief when we arrived and my dad in turmoil. The two days that lead to the funeral were horrible, I sat and stared at the piano where Tim would get my sister to play him songs. I played some, but not much. The funeral came with a black cloud of heaviness and we filed in one by one. I had Holly on one side and Brooke on the other. There was a message that talked about the redeeming grace of God and the hope of a future in splendor. We hung on that last prayer as if it were the end of the world. I held my dads back as he walked past the casket. I could feel him trembling from the painful separation that death had caused him. I walked out and around the side to go back in to say goodbye. I mean, I knew he wasn’t there, but I wanted to say bye. I walked in the side door of the Chapel as they were rolling him out the opposite side. I collapsed to the floor and lost it. I think it was that moment when the truth rested on me. He was dead and we were left to loneliness. I was picked up by brother Jimmy Hagadorn and some others and walked out side. I stood against the wall and a cousin named Belinda held on to me until I gained some sense of normalcy. They walked me around to the family car and we left. I read a poem at the graveside and it was done. Together we stood there as God closed the final chapter of my uncle’s life…what I thought was the final chapter.
A couple years later we went to court to meet the man who killed my uncle that night and to testify against him. I wanted more than anything in that moment to cause him as much harm as possible. I stared at him that day with such hate and condemnation. I never knew how wrong I was. Fastforwarding a few more years I met Mike Littleton. When I met Mike he was intense. I mean, every other word was Jesus, or glory, or pretty much anything to direct the conversation back to the glory of Christ. He was more fired up about serving God than anyone else I know. I had the privilege of fishing off the coast with Mike, singing with Mike, having dinner with Mike and His family who I love dearly, and then God used Mike to seal a hole in my heart. The hole of bitterness and hate that I had for the man that killed Tim slowly began to heal. I have realized through being Mikes friend that I am just like the man who killed my uncle. There is no difference. He was just caught up in different sin, a sin that unfortunately took someone’s life. The beauty of all of this is that without Mike allowing God to use hum in “whatever way He saw fit” I don’t know if I would have ever forgiven the man who killed Tim, but because of Mikes willingness to serve God in the midst of Hell I am strengthened, blessed and forgiving… forgiving. Mike taught me the value of a saved soul. How there really is true restoration and forgiveness in the presence of Jesus. I don’t know I wrote this for anyone to read or more for myself. To remind myself that there is a God who loves me and loves Mike, a God who though I nailed Him to the cross loves me and has forgiven me a far greater debt than I had to forgive the man that killed Tim. I can’t wait for eternity. I hope I see Tim, but I am certain he will be there… I want to see the face of the man who killed Tim and this time I want to see him as a brother in Christ. I want to know that his eternity is secure in Jesus. I want Him to be free in Christ. I know this would not have been possible if I had never been gifted with a friendship with Mike Littleton and for that I am grateful. Don’t you see, Mike taught me that we are all drunks, druggies, and whores. We all have murdered and lied… The reason this is true is because if we have broken one commandment it is equal to breaking them all. The liar will burn along side the rapist and the adulterer will burn with the prideful. While the hookers worships along side the saint if she was repentant and had given her life to Christ. The beggars and thieves will stand in the gates of glory along with the murderers who have given their lives to Christ. He has the power to save anyone at anytime. I could go on, but I feel like I am rambling. So here it is, decide today. Be forgiven and learn to forgive others. Jesus has extended His nails pierced to receive us as sons and daughters. He does not hold the cross to our account, but paid our bill with it. Please, ask God to forgive you, forgive other, and now… forgive yourself.

Thanks Mike